He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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