Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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