I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
