And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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