I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
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Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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