I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
