Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
