my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I have aggressive nipples.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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