There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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