just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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