I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
