please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
