I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
