No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I wear drunk well.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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