You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
