If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
