I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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