There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
