I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
