Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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