I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
