if you like me you must not know who I am
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
