2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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