My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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