my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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