i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
