if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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