does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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