Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
