My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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