were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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