Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
3pm strippers are depressing
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
