someone get that fucking seahorse.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
lol hangovers are for mortals.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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