I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
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there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
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Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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