I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
