That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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