Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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