I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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