don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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