omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
