Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
