How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
