Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
