Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
