saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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