im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
