jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
