it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
