I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
