forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
