Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
