he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
