Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
