The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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