Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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